Endless Greed

I am greedy. I want more, always evermore. Although not in the materialistic sense. I have a greed to maximize the utility of every second of every day. Every hour that I'm just scrolling social media or mindlessly looking for content on YouTube is another hour I could be using to train a technique or learn a new skill. And so, whenever I'm just watching random stuff youtube because I'm too tired, it feels wrong.

It feels wrong to have more time than energy, to have more time than motivation. Surely time is the uncontrollable factor, the bottleneck. Surely, I should be able to conjure small things like motivation. But that's not how it is. I have a limited amount of time, yes, but I also have a limited amount of energy and motivation. But still, the thought lingers. Will you regret wasting your time away? Will you regret letting the time of youth and college slip by? Will you regret passing upon the doors of opportunity that will never come again? I don't know.

It's a balancing act but you don't get to see the consequences in advance. Should I fit a new club into my schedule? Can I squeeze practicing a new skill into my morning routine? Will this impact my studying? Too many questions and not enough answers.

In the end, a perfect decision is impossible, and surely there will be tradeoffs. The ultimate questions is not whether I'll regret something, but if I've chosen the least regretful option.

When I am not motivated, who is at fault? My limited nature? Or could I be doing something to change my nature? Is it possible to grow your energy and motivation? If it is, surely that won't be free either, it'll require yet more dedication to change yourself - can I do it?