fine, no really

I finished a story today. Which always puts me in a moody retrospective kinda vibe. It is also 12:30 am. Just about the right conditions for the kind of meaningless moody blog writing characteristic of a cliche character in a poorly written YA novel. But sometimes it really is like that

Why? Because I feel fine. And I've always felt fine. And it feels like I will always feel just fine forever. But that's not so bad now, is it? Certainly, better than feeling bad and it feeling like you'll feel bad forever. While I'm certainly grateful, that's not what this post is about. I think I already wrote about that a while ago actually.

I've always been a responsible person. Or rather, I have always felt that I need to be a responsible person. Yes, I need to be this way. As the first child, as the older brother, as the team lead, as the reliable friend. My near infinite self-discipline is my greatest strength, isn't it? I always get up exactly on time. I've never slept through an alarm. I have never been late to anything within my control. I have never not showed up. I've never not given it my best effort. My will is my own command. And so I live under the strict rule of myself. I know I could depend on my friends and family if I needed support. But I have over the years carefully ensured that I never got to a point where I need support. A sort of trade you could say. Never experience a burden I cannot handle, but also never experience the relief of sharing it. what would you choose?

I have always tried to think logically, of the consequences, and carefully balance the possible outcomes of any decision. And I have been very successful. I've drilled this pattern into my own head, day after day. After so many years, it's not even a conscious decision I make anymore. I don't think I could make an irresponsible decision even if I wanted to. I want to know every possible outcome. My outlandish success at this task means that there's rarely anything that surprises me in life. Cruise by a class and get an A? Cool. Go into a test sure that you'll ace it and get a C? That's fine, I've already calculated that I only need a 68.23% on this test to maintain my GPA and even if I had completely bombed it my GPA would only decrease by 0.2. Everything always turns out fine. I always have a next step. (perhaps a true situation with no next step would simply break me.)

Perhaps my vision of what a life should looks like is twisted by media. No, it is probable if not definite. But I can't help but read and watch stories that impart you with feeling. Reading along as characters experience life, so to say. So is it really that bad to say I want that too? To say I want to be overjoyed, to fall in love, to despair, to be furious, to rise up, to... to... to experience "character development"? Or is reality not one to provide those in a logical or timely manner.

Perhaps the problem lies within. Perhaps life does provide meaningfully emotional moments in a timely manner. Have I trained myself so thoroughly from feeling strongly about anything? If I am happy, I know it will fade. If I am sad, I know I must regroup and get back up quickly. If I am mad, I know anger yields no pragmatic results. If I like someone, I know that it's not love until at least I know them better. It is simply so pragmatic to feel fine. To be logical. To take the step that maximizes future success and minimizes risks. There is no argument against it. Why shoot yourself in the foot?

And yet, there is something unsatisfying about this. Who am I being pragmatic for? If it was for myself, why am I sitting here writing about this? It's a sort of catch-22.

I mean, it's not like I am completely devoid of emotions. I am happy and I smile when with friends, I have cried and been sad before (although now that I think about it it's been an awfully long time). It's just that when left to my own devices, I'm just neutral, empty. I've been living completely alone for the first time. I think it's getting to me a little. I spent the whole day in my small apartment room today because it was storming outside. I had infinite access to the internet, books, food, whatever. And it was awful. Whenever I wasn't actively watching youtube/doom scrolling (which is draining), it felt like standing right up against a brick wall. Zero energy or motivation to practice. Zero ideas. Just me, alone with my thoughts. Endlessly swiping left and right on my home screen because I had nothing to do. left. right. left. right. same home page. same empty head.

Well, the weather should be better so I'll be heading out to a park tomorrow. I'll take a look at some trees and go for a walk. I think it will be nice. But in a way, this is just me being pragmatic again. I wouldn't want to become depressed right? Walking outside and watching trees is very beneficial for my mental focus. And so, by tomorrow, I'll feel fine. As I always have. And as I always will.

if you've read this far and are curious about what the story was, it's not really meaningfully relevant to this post but it's the Oshi No Ko manga.