Taunted

Note: Is this a rant? Maybe. Probably. I don't know. I'm going to write whatever I want on this blog, you can't stop me.

Why am I here? I know I should only have gratitude in my position, but I can't help but feel a bit taunted. Cheated even. It feels like I am at the top, "I've made it!", but like I'm not at the tip. Top but not the tip... It feels like opportunities and achievements are literally just - just - out of my reach. Like I'm stretching my arms out to grab a trophy, and I find myself an inch, a centimeter short. I've felt this for quite a while now, but it has become quite acute recently. Senior year of high school makes comparing yourself to millions of peers too easy. In a year, in six months perhaps, I won't care about any of this at all. Everything will be decided, and the next four years of my life roughly planned out. But for now – Aargh! It feels like an infuriating cycle. Applying at a school, getting a good interview, then getting deferred. I expected it, but it's still not great. Applying for a big scholarship, becoming a finalist, then missing the main prize. But ah wait, there is still a scholarship they gave me, right? It's even a thousand dollars more than what my fellow finalists got, amazing, right? Too bad, you're only eligible to actually use it if you're going into Engineering (which I'm not). So all that time and effort and excitement, for ultimately a nothing-burger. Invited to the prestigious Presidential Scholars Program, proudly showing my parents and asking a teacher to help write my recommendation. Only for me to find out that I'm categorized in the wrong state, and realize that in the correct state, I probably won't even qualify to apply. I thought I was in the top 0.14%. With my luck, I must have been in the top 0.15%. It would have been better if I was categorized correctly and had never been invited in the first place. It's not the time or effort I regret spending. The chance of winning was always worth the work. I'm pained by the excitement I felt and brought to my parents. Every single time I feel I'm close to something big - or even the chance of getting something big - my dreams are rudely interrupted. I'm not jealous of those who won. They won on their own merit and I respect that. I just don't want to be disqualified by a fluke. I don't want to be a mistake on some paperwork. "Whoops, wrong major, sorry, no money for you." "Whoops, wrong state, our bad, no opportunity for you." If I wasn't good enough to win something, then so be it. But don't make me think that I achieved something right before taking it all back.

All in all though, these problems are relatively minor. It's like the "first-world problems" we talk about. Wouldn't that be funny: "top one-percent problems". I may not be able to afford Purdue sustainably, but if I wanted to, I already have the lower tier colleges begging with every advertisement mail and scholarship for me to attend. I could get a near-free college education if I was willing to throw away a high quality education. But I'm not willing. So I'll keep trying. Many students simply apply to a match school and that's it. Many students get into top tier schools and that's it. What an ironic position I am in. I have the most options, but none can satisfy. Too smart for cheap colleges, too poor for match colleges, and too dumb/unlucky for ivy colleges that practically gives everyone financial aid.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have had a more successful/less contorted end of high school if we stayed in Montana. Maybe, but it certainly would be a higher-risk play than an easy acceptance to Purdue. I've been meaning to write about this for a while. The "scapegoat" of any failures I might experience. We'll see when that gets posted.